The Religious Dictionary

relidic

I aim to continually update/improve this page with new entries, so feel free to check back regularly.

A

Africa:

  1. God’s least favourite part of planet earth.

Apologetics:

  1. A verbose way of saying “God did it”.
  2. Finding a gap in scientific knowledge and declaring “God did it”.
  3. The habit of following the word “therefore” with “God did it”.
  4. Use of semantics and circular reasoning to reach the conclusion that “God did it”.
  5. The uncanny ability to convince the less-informed that “we don’t know” actually means “God did it”.
  6. God did it.
  7. It was God.
  8. Gawd

Atheism:

  1. The faith-based ideology of believing in nothing and worshipping Satan simultaneously.
  2. The act of eating babies.

AtheismPlus

1.      The desire to be free from god, whilst retaining dogmatic nonsense and a holier than thou attitude.
2.      A group striving for a version of ‘equality’ which assumes people of god having nothing valuable to contribute regarding social justice, women’s rights, racism, homophobia and transphobia.
3.        Championing of Free Speech*
 
*The following are exceptions indicating which topics certain types of people (also known as other human beings) have no right to speak on.
 
Racism: White people
 
Women’s Rights and Feminism: Man people
 
LGBT rights: Straight and non-transgender people.
 
The Moon: People who have never visited the moon.
 
Cats: People who have never been a cat. 

4. Diet Secularism

5. Fat Free Humanism

6. The act of hijacking the growing interest in an expanding ‘community’ to further your own divisive socio-political agenda. 
 
e.g., Justin Bieber is getting more popular. I’m a Belieber. Plus men and white people are silly. #BieberPlus

7.      Allergy to criticism
 
e.g.
Patient: “Doctor, someone disagreed with my viewpoint, so I labelled them an abusive misogynistic troll and had them added to a block list application. Is it serious?”
Doctor: “It sounds to me like you have a strong case of AtheismPlus”.
Patient: “Since you’re not an over-sensitive adult-toddler with a victim complex yourself, what gives you the right to make that diagnosis?”
Doctor:  “Get out”.
Patient: “Ok”.

8.      A transparent misandry Veil (Also available in Black*)
*Only if you are black.

Unbiased Poll:

B

Banana:

  1. The atheist’s nightmare.

Bible:

  1. Truth, void of any contradictions.

C

Constitution:

  1. The most important document and set of values in the U.S*

*Until deemed inconvenient to your constitution-violating religious agenda.

Criticism:

  1. Vile and angry abuse. See “intolerance”.

D

Dawkins:

  1. The high priest of Atheism, and Satan’s earthly lieutenant.

E

Evidence:

  1. Stories authored by semi-literate desert dwellers in ancient parts of the middle-east.
  2. Subjective personal experience.
  3. Being unable to disprove something.

Evolution:

  1. The unsupported belief that a monkey gave birth to a human.

F

Faith:

  1. Taking pride in a willingness to believe anything on little or no evidence. Not to be confused with “fact”.
  2. A socially acceptable excuse for believing in demonstrable nonsense.

Fossil:

  1. A blatant test of faith planted by the almighty creator.

G

God:

  1. The supernatural deity taught to you as a child, in the country of your birth.  Must also be the God of your parents. Alternative spelling: “Gaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwdddddddddd”.
  2. Any notion you are able to imagine.
  3. The socially acceptable substitute for a genuine and thoughtful explanation.
  4. Stealthy impregnator of virgins.
  5. American

H

Hitchens:

  1. One who administers verbal slaps to the Godly. E.g “The Hitch-Slap”.
  2. One who is still able to win debates with theists, post-death.

Hurricane:

  1. God’s preferred method of expressing dislike towards homosexuality via non-mysterious and explainable meteorological events.

I

Imaginary:

  1. That which is non-existent, i.e. any other God that is not your own.

Intolerance:

  1. When somebody disagrees with your religious beliefs.
  2. When someone requests to be unaffected by your religious beliefs

J

Jesus:

  1. Magical Zombie Jew.
  2. White American.

L

Logic:

  1. A mysterious thought process used by those with Satan in their heart.

M

Militant:

  1. Airing your views calmly, rationally and in conjunction with established scientific fact.
  2. Seeking legal support upon having your legal rights violated.

Miracle:

  1. Anecdotal claim of an unremarkable, seemingly naturally occurring event which definitely couldn’t possibly be coincidence or chance. Definitely.

Muhammad:

  1. One who cannot be caricatured or mocked, due to certain death at the hands of the Religion Of Peace.

P

 

Persecution:

  1. Failing to get your own way, all of the time.
  2. Having your religious privileges called into question.

Prayer:

  1. The process whereby advice is given to your chosen supernatural all-knowing deity.

Priest:

  1. Child enthusiast.

Q

Qur’an

  1. Truth, void of any contradictions.

S

Science:

  1. Witchcraft.
  2. Faith-based misconceptions about God’s work.

Secularism:

  1. A fascist movement dedicated to forcing equality on society against its will.
  2. Militant fairness.

Snake:

  1. The most opinionated of all the reptiles.
  2. Chatty garden dweller.

Spiritual:  

  1. Supernatural meaning projected on to common and trivial emotional experiences.
  2. Make-believe for adults.
  3. “oohhhhh mysterious”.

W

Wine:

  1. Jesus Juice.

52 comments

  • Hell: imaginary warm spot, currently suffering from potential overcrowding problem; much favoured threat of the confused thinker…

  • Preist entry cracked me up.

  • i think this will evolve into something special 🙂 some of the entries already are pure gold

  • I see a little book along the lines of ‘The meaning of Liff’… 🙂

  • love your work you should be sainted

  • “God – Stealthy impregnator of virgins”. I can’t stop laughing. Keep up the good work.

  • Church: That place we all hate, but go anyway out of fear.

  • Hilarious! Great job. This should definitely be published as a book when it has enough entries. Keep up the good work!

  • Pray: Ask that the laws of the universe be temporarily annulled on behalf of single petitioner. Confessedly unworthy.

    Anyone remember who came up with this one? I can’t remember, but definitely worth adding.

    Great work GSpellchecker!

  • Christmas: The definite birthdate of white baby Jesus. Celebrated at the time by not one but three kings who danced around the tree while singing carols and kissed under the mistletoe. Jesus later enjoyed eternal life as Santa giving Christians sole rights on gift giving at this time of year.

  • Snake – “Chatty garden dweller” hahaha… quality!

  • The bit about Mohammed and images makes you look silly as it is only a small minority kf Muslims who believe that, Shia have pictures of him on their korans for instance. Also the quip about “religion of peace” implies that it is not, that it is a religion of war. They all are, onward christian solidiers etc etc. it shows rather an incipd Islamaphobia instead of atheist piss take. Good work though, made me smile.

    • Thank you for your comment. I shall address a few points.

      “The bit about Mohammed and images makes you look silly as it is only a small minority kf Muslims who believe that”

      Can you put a percentage, or numerical value on the “small minority” who believe this, then perhaps explain why those numbers are not a cause for concern?


      “Shia have pictures of him on their korans for instance”

      And I imagine this causes no conflict between Muslims at all?


      “Also the quip about “religion of peace” implies that it is not, that it is a religion of war.”

      No religion is a “religion of peace” and I object to Islamic propagandist use of the term. The unique and reactionary nature of Islam and its ability to cause almost global unrest due to the issues detailed is a perfect subject for satire in this manner.

      “it shows rather an incipd Islamaphobia instead of atheist piss take.”

      And here we have it. The obligatory mention of “islamophobia” simply for criticising/mocking Islam in accordance with related events/documented facts.

      I see no objection was made to my mockery of Jesus, or certain aspects of Christianity, yet Islam is afforded special privilege analogous to racism and homophobia. This is disingenuous and poorly argued in your comment.

      GS

  • Church: when on fire can provide illumination

  • Foxholes: no atheists in ’em

  • LOL. Hilarious. The priest and the snake made me laugh the most, but the simple ones like God -American, proper crack me up. Good work

  • Wales – a country where a third of the population have declared in a public document (2011 census) that they have no religion http://bbc.in/VAm9iJ

  • Church

    Fairy tale reaffirmation centre.

  • Fear – Makes us love our god so much more

  • Christmas: A 100% Christian festival devoid of any pagan influence.

    The Universe: The work of the almighty created specifically for humanity.

    Science: The blind belief in things told to you by others brought on by lack of knowledge of the truth; see Bible.

  • Alejandro Estrada

    Outstanding work. A few suggestions:

    LOL- Expression that, when put at the end of a sentence, strengthens its logic and renders non-believers speechless.

    Proof – condition acquired by any argument when repeated.

    Truth – Anything stated in upper-case letters.

    Priest – Person that can take care of your soul, not your kids.

    Persecution – When your insults are questioned.

  • Church: A place where everyone goes on Sunday to nervously check that every one else is still believing the same stuff.

  • Westboro – A place that never received it’s copy of The New Testament.

  • God: believed by the misguided to be the indispensable component of Good.

  • I’ve consumed a lot of Jesus juice this holiday season.

  • Brilliant. Just brilliant.

    Good work! I look forward to more definitions!!

  • “Dawkins- High priest of Atheism, Satan’s Earthly Lieutenant” made me soil my shirt with nostril propelled Mountain Dew. Well worth it.

  • Great work !
    Here is a small contribution:

    Church : The place you have to go to in order to speak to your omnipresent all-knowing deity

  • Sunday: Shhh, God is napping.

  • I’m surprised that “Scientific Theory: A guess that has no facts behind it,and is probably false ie Evolution” isn’t in this dictionary

  • God: Unable to stop suffering at the hands of evil men (free will and all), yet regularly compells the atheist next door to help carry in my groceries.

  • jesus juice was hilarious. funny thing is religious people who i talk to would take this seriously

  • Communion: Sanctioned cannibalism

  • “Shrill” – calm and confidently asserted view based on logic and evidence that contradicts some religious assumption that is based on neither.

  • “Hate-prayer” & “Hate-bless”: when a believer is losing an argument or simply refuses to continue a conversation, and instead tells you angrily that they will pray for you and/or god will bless you and they hope to avert your inevitable trip to hell.

  • Under God, in addition to a American it should also say White, & Male.

  • That was pretty unfunny. Also “Stories authored by semi-literate desert dwellers in ancient parts of the middle-east” sounds a bit awkward. “Ancient parts”?

  • Hahaha just spat my Jesus juice everywhere reading this

  • Lool the priest one.. low blow.

  • Something about the irrefutable logic of a CAPS LOCK argument..? And under Miracle, add “or regression to the mean”.

  • Fear. The gel that holds Godites together
    Prayer. Cure for ailments (at an affordable price)
    Miracle. Jesus on toast
    Muhammad. Muslimist generalissimo

  • I’m planning a tee shirt with the “Faith” definition! Good stuff. I shared with my actual church group “Agnostics Anonymous”!

  • I want a T shirt with “Thank God for Atheism’

What do you think? Leave some comments!