The Religious Dictionary

relidic

I aim to continually update/improve this page with new entries, so feel free to check back regularly.

A

Africa:

  1. God’s least favourite part of planet earth.

Apologetics:

  1. A verbose way of saying “God did it”.
  2. Finding a gap in scientific knowledge and declaring “God did it”.
  3. The habit of following the word “therefore” with “God did it”.
  4. Use of semantics and circular reasoning to reach the conclusion that “God did it”.
  5. The uncanny ability to convince the less-informed that “we don’t know” actually means “God did it”.
  6. God did it.
  7. It was God.
  8. Gawd

Atheism:

  1. The faith-based ideology of believing in nothing and worshipping Satan simultaneously.
  2. The act of eating babies.

AtheismPlus

1.      The desire to be free from god, whilst retaining dogmatic nonsense and a holier than thou attitude.
2.      A group striving for a version of ‘equality’ which assumes people of god having nothing valuable to contribute regarding social justice, women’s rights, racism, homophobia and transphobia.
3.        Championing of Free Speech*
 
*The following are exceptions indicating which topics certain types of people (also known as other human beings) have no right to speak on.
 
Racism: White people
 
Women’s Rights and Feminism: Man people
 
LGBT rights: Straight and non-transgender people.
 
The Moon: People who have never visited the moon.
 
Cats: People who have never been a cat. 

4. Diet Secularism

5. Fat Free Humanism

6. The act of hijacking the growing interest in an expanding ‘community’ to further your own divisive socio-political agenda. 
 
e.g., Justin Bieber is getting more popular. I’m a Belieber. Plus men and white people are silly. #BieberPlus

7.      Allergy to criticism
 
e.g.
Patient: “Doctor, someone disagreed with my viewpoint, so I labelled them an abusive misogynistic troll and had them added to a block list application. Is it serious?”
Doctor: “It sounds to me like you have a strong case of AtheismPlus”.
Patient: “Since you’re not an over-sensitive adult-toddler with a victim complex yourself, what gives you the right to make that diagnosis?”
Doctor:  “Get out”.
Patient: “Ok”.

8.      A transparent misandry Veil (Also available in Black*)
*Only if you are black.

Unbiased Poll:

B

Banana:

  1. The atheist’s nightmare.

Bible:

  1. Truth, void of any contradictions.

C

Constitution:

  1. The most important document and set of values in the U.S*

*Until deemed inconvenient to your constitution-violating religious agenda.

Criticism:

  1. Vile and angry abuse. See “intolerance”.

D

Dawkins:

  1. The high priest of Atheism, and Satan’s earthly lieutenant.

E

Evidence:

  1. Stories authored by semi-literate desert dwellers in ancient parts of the middle-east.
  2. Subjective personal experience.
  3. Being unable to disprove something.

Evolution:

  1. The unsupported belief that a monkey gave birth to a human.

F

Faith:

  1. Taking pride in a willingness to believe anything on little or no evidence. Not to be confused with “fact”.
  2. A socially acceptable excuse for believing in demonstrable nonsense.

Fossil:

  1. A blatant test of faith planted by the almighty creator.

G

God:

  1. The supernatural deity taught to you as a child, in the country of your birth.  Must also be the God of your parents. Alternative spelling: “Gaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwdddddddddd”.
  2. Any notion you are able to imagine.
  3. The socially acceptable substitute for a genuine and thoughtful explanation.
  4. Stealthy impregnator of virgins.
  5. American

H

Hitchens:

  1. One who administers verbal slaps to the Godly. E.g “The Hitch-Slap”.
  2. One who is still able to win debates with theists, post-death.

Hurricane:

  1. God’s preferred method of expressing dislike towards homosexuality via non-mysterious and explainable meteorological events.

I

Imaginary:

  1. That which is non-existent, i.e. any other God that is not your own.

Intolerance:

  1. When somebody disagrees with your religious beliefs.
  2. When someone requests to be unaffected by your religious beliefs

J

Jesus:

  1. Magical Zombie Jew.
  2. White American.

L

Logic:

  1. A mysterious thought process used by those with Satan in their heart.

M

Militant:

  1. Airing your views calmly, rationally and in conjunction with established scientific fact.
  2. Seeking legal support upon having your legal rights violated.

Miracle:

  1. Anecdotal claim of an unremarkable, seemingly naturally occurring event which definitely couldn’t possibly be coincidence or chance. Definitely.

Muhammad:

  1. One who cannot be caricatured or mocked, due to certain death at the hands of the Religion Of Peace.

P

 

Persecution:

  1. Failing to get your own way, all of the time.
  2. Having your religious privileges called into question.

Prayer:

  1. The process whereby advice is given to your chosen supernatural all-knowing deity.

Priest:

  1. Child enthusiast.

Q

Qur’an

  1. Truth, void of any contradictions.

S

Science:

  1. Witchcraft.
  2. Faith-based misconceptions about God’s work.

Secularism:

  1. A fascist movement dedicated to forcing equality on society against its will.
  2. Militant fairness.

Snake:

  1. The most opinionated of all the reptiles.
  2. Chatty garden dweller.

Spiritual:  

  1. Supernatural meaning projected on to common and trivial emotional experiences.
  2. Make-believe for adults.
  3. “oohhhhh mysterious”.

W

Wine:

  1. Jesus Juice.

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