Easter Review: ‘The Real Easter Egg’

Evangelism is alive and well.  Chocolatey, chocolatey evangelism.

The Real Easter EggMany of you may have noticed ‘The Real Easter Egg’ gracing our supermarket shelves, adorned with the promise of telling the ‘true’ story of Easter.  Not to mention the proclamation of ‘charity’ plastered all over the packaging.  Ever wondered what it’s all about?  Probably not.  But I’m going to save you the £3.00 and tell you anyway.  You’re welcome.

Given the fact that there are now a few variations of this product on the shelf this year, I would be inclined to believe they’ve been selling well (It is chocolate after all), or perhaps they’re simply happy to pour ‘God’ knows how much of whoever’s money into a failing enterprise for the sake of filling some impressionable child’s noggin with superstitious nonsense.  Indeed, I’ve had images tweeted my way to show these packaged humpty dumpties, sitting tragically alone on the shelves, remaining long after the other non-indoctineggs have been snapped up.  If anyone knows how to obtain sales figures on these tasty propagandeggs, I’d be pleased to have them shared my way.

The egg I’ll be taking a look at is the one shown in the image above.  If you’ve picked up one of the other variations, please feel free to let me know of any differences in the comments below.  I must say on a personal note, I was incredibly disappointed to discover the sticker set was absent this year.  Arranging Jesus in imaginative positions amongst the other characters filled my entire Sunday last year.  I’ll do my best to avoid egg puns, but I’m not promising anything.

The box implements the services of not one, but two sides to let you know they’re a charitable bunch:

SideCharityClaimSmallCharityClaimSo what are these wonderful charitable causes they are committed to helping?  A predictably low amount of time spent Googling will lead you to the unsurprising ‘revelation’ that they are evangelical Christian organisations.  Look at the Churches section on TRAIDCRAFT’s own website for example.

Now of course, a great number of religious people and organisations do fantastic charity work, and I would not wish to denigrate them for it.  I would say however that there are also many secular charities committed to helping the less fortunate, and do so without an agenda to spread an ideology, or indoctrinate.

I personally would much rather my money go to organisations that are committed to helping, not for the sake of Jesus, but for the sake of doing good.  This ethos is what I aim to promote with Good For Good’s Sake.  Please bookmark and check back for a new fundraising drive for April 2014.
Below is the back of the packaging, providing us with a brief summary of a rather creative interpretation of why eggs represent easter…

BoxMeaningOfEaster

Odd that they decided not to go with:  ‘We stole it from the Pagans’ .

 

OpenBox

Wait.  What’s that lurking under the chocolate buttons?

PamphletFront

“Yay! A pamphlet” – No-one, ever.

I do have to be fair, this is an improvement given that last year they went with super-white Jesus.  Middle Eastern Jesus doesn’t get a lot of work.  Good for him.

BoxOpenJust incase you were considering not reading the pamphlet (you maverick), they’ve been sure to include a less avoidable religious message.  They’ve really thought of everything.  Well, except ‘am I massively delusional?’

Let’s take a look inside the ‘literature’ contained. Pay attention kids, there will be a quiz.

Page 1

Page 1.  ‘A True Story’.  Are we good with that?  Ok.  Good, let’s proceed.  ‘Many people wanted to listen to his teaching’.  Now, I’m no theologian, but were I to ponder whether ‘many people’ wished to hear more from me, crucifixion seems more than a subtle indication.

Page 2Page 2: ‘…some people didn’t like him and wanted to get rid of him’.  And by ‘some’ they mean ‘most’.  It’s telling that those who got the closest look at Jesus were seemingly the least impressed. Nailed.  Tough crowd.

Page 3

I’ve got nothing.

Page 4“Me, me me me me”.

Page 5Not even the son of god can get a prayer answered.

Page 6 Jean-Luc Picard faces off with Tim Minchin.

Page 7Yes, Mary hated earthquakes.

Page 8The End.  Right?

Page 9Ta-Da!  Details scarce on this part you’ll find.

Page 10So, god sent his son, which also happens to be himself, down to purposely die, in order to absolve us of the very sins he created. Oh, and gays should die.  Goodnight kids!

Easter QuizQuiz Time!  I think I’ll provide an option ‘D’ in the interest of balance,

1. D) Jesus has been riding on the credulity of Christians for 2000 years.
2.D) His hands.  Hygiene is important kids.
3.D) Racist Jokes & poppers.
4.D) God. He does everything.
5.D) L’Oréal.  He’s worth it.
6.D) Ha! Trick question!  He’s alive in every one of us!
7.D) Zombies
8.D) Because Chocolate.

Egg unopened

Let’s take a look at the actual egg.  I wonder if there are any deceased Jews inside?  I decided to grab whatever was close to hand to break it in..

Hitchslapped Egg

As suspected.  Just like the box marked ‘supporting evidence for the resurrection’, it’s hollow.

Happy easter,

GS

9 comments

  • Jesus tenderly washed feet then said YOU PICK COLOR??

  • Jonah Cartwright

    Question 9: How many evangelistic Christian chocolate-merchants does it take to spell the name “Pilate” correctly?

    Failure to distinguish the Roman prefect of Judaea from an EasyJet employee is a new low for these guys. When you can’t even get your own fairytales right, indoctrinating the youth of the world is probably a job for another day.

  • the manufacturers didn’t want a rash of attacks by pubescent militant evangelists against pilates instructors across the UK. Pilots, those bastards are hard to catch, always flying and shit

  • …and how many evangelistic Christian chocolate-merchants did it take to assert that Sunday comes three days after Friday (see third image)?

  • This makes me want to release an egg which is completely secular. Maybe name it “Fuck it, it’s just another excuse to eat loads of chocolate” ONLY available to those who don’t give a shit about the “real” meaning of Easter.

  • More than a million sold and £200,000 donated to charities including non christian. Surely room for one charity egg among the 80 million sold in the UK every year and which reflects the beliefs of the billions who celebrate a Christian Easter.

  • Can someone really claim “the real meaning of Easter” or “life changing egg”. Surely advertising standards needs a word here.

What do you think? Leave some comments!